Posts tagged bride
Posts tagged bride
The key to a good marriage is learning how to fight well.
This week, a Romanian design house broke the World Record when it debuted an almost 2 mile long bridal train.
To put that in perspective, as mentioned in Yahoo Shine “News”, that’s roughly the width of Manhattan. It would take an aisle the size of 4 football fields for a bride to actually wear the dress.
Think about that! That is several hundred feet longer than the Golden Gate Bridge, the length of over 9 Eiffel Towers and almost 2 miles worth of part of the Grand Canyon. Sounds great… until of course you trip on it, fall on your face, break your nose, stain the gown with blood and have to spend your honeymoon with two black eyes.
Nobody can even tell that your hair is a little flat in that one spot, so relax.
It’s Not Your Day!
DON’T forget to keep the spirit of love and romance alive
DON’T be ashamed to go all out with hearts and cheesiness
DO celebrate in the traditional manner, with a bloody, deadly massacre
Don’t be a Pippa. Tone down the white and the fantastic ass.
IT’S NOT YOUR DAY!
Spray tanning is the perfect accessory for your wedding. It means you can spend less money on your dress, since no one will notice it anyways. It’s a great backup in case there’s a power outage and you need a glowing entity to light the way. And it’ll make your wedding night wild, since your fiance has an Oompa Loopa fetish.
And is turned on by Orangutans.
From the time Babylonia (yes, Babylonia) Aivaz was a little girl, she dreamed of the beautiful wedding she’d have with a building. Yesterday, that dream came true. Family, friends and neighbors were supportive of this warehouse-on-woman relationship. Though they do have their doubts on how long the relationship will last, because the warehouse is 107 years old and is about to be torn down to make room for condos.
Babylonia refused to find a new fiance. She didn’t want a younger building in her life, she wanted HER warehouse, because when you know, you just know. Though they moved fast (they just met last month), she couldn’t help but fall in love with this community space. She pictured the years they’d spend together, raising babies and/or bungalows, and having a wonderful life together.
Of course the mother-of-the-bride, aka the city of Seattle, tried to run the wedding its way. They’ve already torn down parts of the warehouse. Babylonia however, said it didn’t matter. Her betrothed was as beautiful as ever.
Babylonia wore a beautiful white gown with headband-style veil and the warehouse wore drywall and brick, with a traditional roof. The two will be honeymooning in a scrap yard.
Risk breaking your neck at your wedding…
Be on your period during your wedding?
When I got engaged, I had a thunder stealing coworker. We’ll call her Schmennifer - because her real name was Jennifer. She went from congratulating me, to planning her own wedding.
Schmennifer: “Are you going to have a photo booth?”
Me: “I don’t know yet…”
Schmennifer: “Chocolate fountain? Live doves? Petting zoo?”
Schmennifer: “When I get married, I’m going to have an ice sculpture and a 12 piece string quartet. Did you get that link to the Vera Wang dress I’m getting?”
Me: “It’s beautiful. So are you seeing someone?”
Schmennifer: “No, but might as well plan now so I don’t have to skimp… no offense.”
I wasn’t offended by her continuous one-upping me with a pretend wedding, because my real wedding was between me and my fiance (and, sigh - our mothers). But then one particularly rainy Monday, she got super bitchy.
Schmennifer: “Your ring is dull because it’s white gold. I only wear platinum.”
I’d had it, “Bitch, back off!” Only it was just in my head. I never actually got the nerve to stand up for myself, because Schmennifer was hit by a car that very night.*
I planned my wedding without listening to any of Schmennifer’s jealous advice. And I felt bad, not because she wasn’t engaged, but because if she ever does get engaged, some poor sap will have to deal with her for the rest of his life.
* Unfortunately only in my dreams.
Less than a month later, Aretha Franklin is calling off her engagement to her hilariously named fiance, William “Willie” Wilkerson. In a press release she said the reason was because they were moving too fast.
What? At 69 years old, how is anything moving too fast for you Aretha? And no offense, moving… moving at all, could do you some good. Maybe you should think twice before ending things. We were all so looking forward to seeing you in whatever ridiculous wedding gown you chose.